Posted by admin | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 15-09-2009
Tags: accessories, diamond, diamond delight, diamond delight clothing, diamond delight coupon code, diamond delight jewelry, diamond delight review, gift, jewlery, ring
Edit my story introduction?
! am writing a story and I need help editing the introduction. Mind editing the introduction? Or at least provide tips to improve the introduction. Thanks in advance!
A woman with her child step out of a revolving door; a hand is holding the child’s and a black rolling suitcase. Flashing buildings, roaming cars, and crowds of beautiful faces. Fascinating billboards, clips of Manga, and the smell of humid air.
The child’s brown eyes fill with wonder. Her crimson lips pull a delighted smile. The child looks up at the woman. The woman is sad.
A diamond of a tear falls down the left cheek.
“Mommy?”
The woman brushes the tear. Looking down at her child, she forces a smile.
The child clasps her mother by the waist. “It’s okay to cry. Daddy said Japan takes you back to your past. He said –“
“Let’s go, Rose. We have to find a hotel. Tomorrow is a big day for mommy.”
I don’t see a lot of mistakes, but this is how I would write it:
A woman steps out of the revolving door onto the busy street. Her left hand is holding her child’s, the other a black rolling suitcase. Tall buildings crowd the square, billboards and advertisements stuck in even the smallest of free spaces. The typical city stench of gasoline, sweat and urban filth surrounds them.
The child’s brown eyes lift to her mother’s face, full of wonderment and curiosity. The woman, her mother, is sad. A diamond of a tear falls down her left cheek.
“Mommy?”
The woman brushes away the tear, and wipes the obvious distress from her face as well. Looking down at her child, she forces a smile.
The child clasps her mother by the waist. “It’s okay to cry. Daddy said Japan takes you back to your past. He said –“
“Let’s go, Rose. We have to find a hotel. Tomorrow is a big day for mommy.”
So, try not to add TOO much to the scenery. It just makes people feel like they’re reading a list, rather than feel like they’re there themselves. Other than that, this is really a wonderful piece. 
I’m very intrigued. Good luck!
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